FIRST DAY AT THE NEW JOB

Younger, better looking, and now, the boss. I’m sure there’s no reason why the eight other justices of the Supreme Court won’t like me. Yeah, right! I’ve been sweating bullets since I was sworn in as the 17th chief justice of the United States on Thursday. I was so nervous this morning that I almost called in sick, but I realized that would look really bad.

I was much more nervous today than I was during the grueling confirmation hearings. I know it was nothing like Justice Thomas’, but it was bad, nonetheless. Especially on the first day, when I had a terrible itch inside my nose, and I knew that I couldn’t scratch it, as it would look like I was picking it. Not in front of the senate, not on C-SPAN. I sat there and held it as tears formed in my eyes. It itched so bad!

It was actually an easy day at work. We had the swearing in at the bench, ceremonial photos on the steps, etc. Everyone smiled while the reporters were around, but that quickly changed when we got to our private locker room. I was pointed to the worst, most run-down locker by a scowling Justice Souter, who continually addressed me as the “FNG,” and sometimes, “Newbie.” The locker door wouldn’t even close all the way. I had to carry my wallet in my hand the rest of the day.

I decided not to wear the Rehnquist stripes on my robe so as not to draw more unneeded attention to myself. The docket was simple today: a boring case about whether employers should pay their employees while they put on protective gear (Duh!), and a case involving state taxes on fuel sold on Indian reservations. The cases were so boring; I had to struggle to stay awake. It didn’t help that I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

Justice Stevens has been giving me the death stare all day. Being the guy with the most seniority, I can understand his anger that he didn’t get promoted to chief. But that’s life, John Paul, it’s unfair. They just told me that we have the day off tomorrow because it’s some Jewish holiday. Sweet! When I went to punch out, I found my time card missing. Some of the justices snickered as they left the building. I know they hid it, but I could never prove it.

Until tomorrow,
John Roberts, #17