OLD TRICKS AND NEW ALLIES

Another rough day on the job. I thought I could soften the justices’ opinion of me by bringing in some Krispy Kreme donuts, but I was wrong. At least two of them, including Stevens, stated that they couldn’t have any because of their high blood pressure, and that I was trying to kill them. In the end, nobody ate the donuts, and they sat there all day and got hard. They also attracted a long line of sugar ants, which I was blamed for, as well.

Before court, I had to use the bathroom. I found out the hard way that someone had put cellophane over my toilet bowl. As I cleaned up the resulting mess, I heard chuckling outside the bathroom door. I also found that I had a note on my back which read, “Chief Jerk. “ When is this ever going to end?

I tried to put all the immature hazing behind me and concentrate on the Oregon assisted suicide case. I thrust myself into the argument, asserting my firm opinion that states cannot undermine federal authority when it comes to doctors prescribing medicines that will help end a terminal patient’s life. It was an emotional case because some of the justices have had cancer, and they hate me even more now for my hard-lined stance in this delicate matter. Oh, well, I guess I’m not here to make friends.

I did make a friend later, however. I received a strange note in my locker which instructed me to go to the boiler room. Nervous, I brought along my brass knuckles, just in case. In the boiler room I found Justice O’Connor. She let me know that she felt bad for the way I was being treated, and that she wanted to help me. Because she’s on her way out, she has little to lose in helping me, but she wants it kept a secret, nonetheless.

She noted that the hazing would continue, but that she would try to keep me abreast of what was going on. She handed me a widget and told me there was a bumper sticker on my van that I needed to remove. When I got to the parking lot, I realized she was right. Someone had placed a rainbow sticker on the back of my Toyota Sienna. I hope this madness ends soon, but in the meantime, it seems I have an ally. Thanks, Sandy.

Until tomorrow,
John Roberts, #17