DYING OF THIRST

I can never win. Today at work I was criticized for not bringing any donuts. Several of the justices called me selfish, while others said that I was not a team player. I decided not to worry about their playing their little game, as there is no way I can win.

At lunch I had to sit alone, as usual. The other justices gathered at a far table while I was forced to eat with the JA’s. One of them, a 22 year old punk from Pittsburgh, was even comfortable enough with me to call me, “Bob.” What gall! I noticed that Justice Thomas wasn’t eating with the others, so I went to look for him. Yesterday he borrowed a dollar from me, and I wanted it back so I could get a soda from the machine.

I found him in one of the clerk’s office, massaging her shoulders. When he spotted me, he immediately quit. Slightly embarrassed, I kindly asked if I could get my dollar back. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, saying he had never borrowed anything from me. What a liar! Oh, I see what it’s like, now.

Since I couldn’t get a soda, I went through the rest of the day thirsty. I can’t believe Clarence lied like that. What a jerk. By the end of the day, I just wanted to go home, already. I found a rude surprise in my locker. Someone had dumped their cat’s litter box all over my clothes. It smelled so horrible; I had to go home in my black robe. This was particularly bad because after work I had to stop at Wal-Mart to buy Jane a feminine product. The black robe drew unnecessary attention to me as I tried to discretely purchase the embarrassing item.

At the check-out I saw that they had a fridge full of cold sodas. Still dying of thirst, I decided to try a new product called, “Mountain Dew Pitch Black.” In honesty, it wasn’t very good. I ended throwing more than half of it away. Driving home, I thought that I should ask Justice O’Connor how many of the justices have cats. I’ll have to remember to do that before the weekend.

Until tomorrow,
John Roberts, #17

OLD TRICKS AND NEW ALLIES

Another rough day on the job. I thought I could soften the justices’ opinion of me by bringing in some Krispy Kreme donuts, but I was wrong. At least two of them, including Stevens, stated that they couldn’t have any because of their high blood pressure, and that I was trying to kill them. In the end, nobody ate the donuts, and they sat there all day and got hard. They also attracted a long line of sugar ants, which I was blamed for, as well.

Before court, I had to use the bathroom. I found out the hard way that someone had put cellophane over my toilet bowl. As I cleaned up the resulting mess, I heard chuckling outside the bathroom door. I also found that I had a note on my back which read, “Chief Jerk. “ When is this ever going to end?

I tried to put all the immature hazing behind me and concentrate on the Oregon assisted suicide case. I thrust myself into the argument, asserting my firm opinion that states cannot undermine federal authority when it comes to doctors prescribing medicines that will help end a terminal patient’s life. It was an emotional case because some of the justices have had cancer, and they hate me even more now for my hard-lined stance in this delicate matter. Oh, well, I guess I’m not here to make friends.

I did make a friend later, however. I received a strange note in my locker which instructed me to go to the boiler room. Nervous, I brought along my brass knuckles, just in case. In the boiler room I found Justice O’Connor. She let me know that she felt bad for the way I was being treated, and that she wanted to help me. Because she’s on her way out, she has little to lose in helping me, but she wants it kept a secret, nonetheless.

She noted that the hazing would continue, but that she would try to keep me abreast of what was going on. She handed me a widget and told me there was a bumper sticker on my van that I needed to remove. When I got to the parking lot, I realized she was right. Someone had placed a rainbow sticker on the back of my Toyota Sienna. I hope this madness ends soon, but in the meantime, it seems I have an ally. Thanks, Sandy.

Until tomorrow,
John Roberts, #17

A MUCH NEEDED DAY OFF

Thank you, Jews! You don’t even know how badly I needed this day off, today. After that grueling day at work yesterday, it was nice to have today off to decompress. I spent most of the day hanging out with the family and reviewing case law pertinent to the cases on tomorrow’s docket. I even got a chance to catch up on some television programs that I recently DVR’d. Jane’s always on me about watching the shows, as the memory’s nearly full. I got through the last two Survivor episodes, Joey, and Martha Stewart: The Apprentice. That’s three and a half hours of space now available; that should make Jane happy for now.

I got a phone call from President Bush. He wanted to know what I thought of his new Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers. I told him she would be a fine fit in the court, but in reality, I’m personally worried about her lack of experience. George seemed so happy; I didn’t want to burst his bubble. All else aside, it can only help me to have a new person on the court, as it would detract attention from me. With someone else to haze, maybe the other justices would leave me alone.

After dinner, Jack and I played an X-BOX game. We played a multi-player map, and I wasted him over and over. He was getting so mad; it was really funny. The phone rang, and I answered it. It was a gruff old voice on the other line that repeatedly said, “Don’t go back to work tomorrow, loser!” I heard laughter in the background, as if a group of people were listening in. Although the caller tried disguising his voice, I had an idea who it was. After he hung up, I looked at the caller ID. It said, “Stevens, John Paul.” How immature.

Before bed, Jane told me that if I want to get on the other justices’ good side, I should bring them all a treat. I’ll probably stop by Krispy Kreme on the way to work. No one can resist Krispy Kreme.

Until tomorrow,
John Roberts, #17

FIRST DAY AT THE NEW JOB

Younger, better looking, and now, the boss. I’m sure there’s no reason why the eight other justices of the Supreme Court won’t like me. Yeah, right! I’ve been sweating bullets since I was sworn in as the 17th chief justice of the United States on Thursday. I was so nervous this morning that I almost called in sick, but I realized that would look really bad.

I was much more nervous today than I was during the grueling confirmation hearings. I know it was nothing like Justice Thomas’, but it was bad, nonetheless. Especially on the first day, when I had a terrible itch inside my nose, and I knew that I couldn’t scratch it, as it would look like I was picking it. Not in front of the senate, not on C-SPAN. I sat there and held it as tears formed in my eyes. It itched so bad!

It was actually an easy day at work. We had the swearing in at the bench, ceremonial photos on the steps, etc. Everyone smiled while the reporters were around, but that quickly changed when we got to our private locker room. I was pointed to the worst, most run-down locker by a scowling Justice Souter, who continually addressed me as the “FNG,” and sometimes, “Newbie.” The locker door wouldn’t even close all the way. I had to carry my wallet in my hand the rest of the day.

I decided not to wear the Rehnquist stripes on my robe so as not to draw more unneeded attention to myself. The docket was simple today: a boring case about whether employers should pay their employees while they put on protective gear (Duh!), and a case involving state taxes on fuel sold on Indian reservations. The cases were so boring; I had to struggle to stay awake. It didn’t help that I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

Justice Stevens has been giving me the death stare all day. Being the guy with the most seniority, I can understand his anger that he didn’t get promoted to chief. But that’s life, John Paul, it’s unfair. They just told me that we have the day off tomorrow because it’s some Jewish holiday. Sweet! When I went to punch out, I found my time card missing. Some of the justices snickered as they left the building. I know they hid it, but I could never prove it.

Until tomorrow,
John Roberts, #17