PROBLEMS IN THE WORKPLACE

Most of the justices were in a good mood today because the Redskins won yesterday. Apparently, they all got together to watch the game, but failed to invite me, once again. It’s funny; I’ve been here almost a month, and haven’t made any progress on being accepted. One of the phrases I keep hearing flying around here is, “When’s Bill coming back?” referring to former Chief Justice Rhenquist. I swear these people need to read, “Who moved my cheese?”

Justice Thomas has really been on my last nerve, lately. Not only did he show up late today, but then he had the gall to ask me for a raise. I told him that I didn’t exactly know how that worked, but I would consult the constitution or the congress, or whatever. He gave me a dirty look. He claimed that Justice Souter, who was hired on at about the same time, was making fifteen cents an hour more than he was. I found this hard to believe, but promised I would look into it.

The real issue here is that no one should know or care how much their fellow employees make. I decided to install a new policy that justices will be written up if they discuss the earnings of others. I printed out a big sign and displayed it prominently by the time clock. Later, I found that same sign torn to shreds and strewn about the employee break room. I was so mad, I could spit.

Later, I got into an argument with Justice Stevens because he insisted he needed Wednesday off. I told him that I needed him here, as we have some important cases on the docket. He cursed me and slammed my office door. Sometimes I hate being the chief. I’m going to have to start demanding respect from the other justices, whether they like it, or not.

I had an unexpected surprise when Jane came to visit me. She wasn’t in my office two minutes when I heard some wise guy in the hallway yell, “No visitors during working hours, hypocrite!” It sounded like Justice Scalia’s voice, but I couldn’t be sure. By the time I opened my office door, the hallway was empty. They’ve gone too far this time, embarrassing me in front of my wife. I decided to schedule a mandatory employee meeting for tomorrow, immediately following work. We’ll get to the bottom of this insolence!

Until later,
John Roberts, #17