MORE ATROCITIES

This past week has been a total nightmare. Not only are the justices still on my case, they’ve actually upped the ante when it comes to making me feel unwelcome. On Friday someone spray painted “You’re no Rhenquist” on my van. It took about an hour to get it all off, and it took some of the factory paint off, as well.

I look forward to weekends so much now. It seems that’s the only time I’m sane anymore. This past weekend, however, was an exception, as the justices took their war on me to my house.

TO MY HOUSE! Where my wife sleeps- where my children play with their toys.

It happened late Saturday night. The whole family was already asleep, but I was still up polishing some old bowling trophies. I heard a loud thud at the front door and went to investigate. Before I could get outside, I heard several more loud bangs. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with an egg right in the kisser. I could hear maniacal laughter as I wiped the yoke from my eyes.

Just as my vision returned, I saw the forms of eight people dressed in black robes running down the street. I didn’t see their faces, but I was almost positive I knew who they were. On Monday morning I marched into the court building, hell-bent to end these atrocities, once and for all.

As expected, the other justices played dumb. They denied having been anywhere near Chevy Chase on Saturday, and acted almost insulted that I would accuse them of such a childish prank. I started to wonder if they really were innocent of this, and I had implicated them because of all the hazing I’ve been receiving at work. I quickly apologized to all the justices, but they were in no mood to accept. Justice Bader Ginsburg offered me an obscene gesture as she departed for the bench.

Justice Scalia suggested that I should treat everyone to lunch to make it up to them. I shelled out $50 in pizzas, but hardly anyone touched them. Some even implied that I was trying to clog their arteries with saturated fat, so as to kill them off, one by one. Whatever.

Until later,
John Roberts, #17